The Quest to Remember
Self Remembering is the elusive but undeniable feeling of existential confirmation that I seek with frequency in my Initiation. It is the affirmation that we have the ability to awaken ourselves to a higher capacity of consciousness than the mechanical behaviours we can so easily allow ourselves to become accustomed to. To experience it is to become uniquely aware of the gestalt of one's Being, and also of the potential Mastery we can gain if we take more proactive involvement towards achieving such completeness in the future. My own experiments in producing the sensations of Self Remembering have been at their most successful when the correct blend of Physical, Emotional, and Intellectual stimulation have been generated. My encounters with the use of the three centres as a means to produce Self Remembering are more similar in nature to the kind of processes involved in a chain reaction, happening in rapid succession with a powerful result.
I have found the initial trigger to Self Remembering to be the acute awareness of the Physical body. In my experiences this has been activated by the immersion of the physical sensations in an environment which stimulates them in a significant manner. I have categorised the physical stimuli that have led to my encounters with Self Remembering into two types. The first type is that of the locus of the physical body, for instance when one is taking walks in places of natural beauty, or out for a stroll beneath the vast and awesome night sky, or visiting places with high significance to personal history. The other type of physical stimuli are those gained through the sensations themselves such as those brought about by physical exertion, the breathing of the fragrant air of a summer's morning, feeling cool rain on the skin, the heat of the sun, the biting cold of the wind, or the tingling sensation the crackling energy of a thunderstorm brings.
Once the requisite level of physical awareness is achieved, the emotional states it inspires soon bond with those feelings, producing an awareness of the internal, affective state. The pleasant 'type 1' physical states as mentioned above lead to the expression of positive emotions, whether they manifest as nostalgia and pleasant memories, the appreciation of beauty and aesthetics, or the recollection of formative experiences. When the physical environment or 'type 2' sensory stimuli have been more difficult or challenging, I have found the emotional states leading to Self Remembering have been geared towards ones of pride of accomplishment, strengthening in confidence, and greater feelings of self worth. The common experiences that both the positive and stressful physical triggers create are the realisation and subsequent contemplation of the Self beyond its superficial, everyday limits.
These contemplative musings lead to a sudden but sure noesis of the existence of the vast consciousness that lies beneath the protective buffers that we have instinctively and unknowingly spent our lives constructing. The insights gained into the nature and potential of one's Essence whilst remembering the Self are difficult to quantify via a concept as structured as language. Through my own experiences I have likened the use of the Thinking Centre in Self Remembering as being akin to a form of 'right brain' evaluation that is difficult to translate into 'left brain' terminology. Without this attempt at contemplation and understanding however, an episode of Self Remembering would not be complete.
Self Remembering, like all Work on the Self cannot be attained without action. It is the study of the real experiences of ourselves and others that provide us with valid information and advice of how we may utilise Self Remembering to Come into Being. A recent example of how I merged my above postulations into real experiences with Self Remembering involved a long country walk on a hot summers day with an mp3 player for company. The purpose of this exercise stemmed from my involvement in the Holy Mountain project, a Gurdjieff inspired working amongst the European members of the Temple of Set. Exercises for that week involved listening to memorable music from relevant periods of one's life with divided attention. I decided that doing this whilst out on a vigorous mountain walk on a hot day would be a conducive Self Remembering exercise, the uphill slog helped provide the physical trigger, and the music played a contributory role in triggering the emotional state.
The songs I selected were ones either anchored in past moments of Self Awareness, with each song bringing a distinct image, person, emotion, or experience to life from the past, or were ones representative of the 'me' in that particular moment in time. Focussing my attention between the aching muscles in my legs, my accelerated pulse and breathing, and the heat of the sun, and the emotional catalyst of the soundtrack of my life led to a series of moments of Self Remembering during the three and a half hours I spent on my hike. These moments were ones of definite clarity of my purpose in life, my future potential, and the contemplation of the triumph of my Will in the past. With these feelings came that sensation of 'becoming one' with myself, and the realisation that came with it'I have Come into Being'. The awareness of the Conscious Self that Self Remembering brings acts as a reminder of our current state of Being. Witnessing our Being in a moment of clarity, enables us to see how it has grown and developed, making such times very important for the realisation of Xeper.
I chose to do this exercise whilst out walking because hiking has been a passion of mine since my youth, when I often had strong urges to go for long walks alone through the countryside. I would take a convoluted walk into my local town rather than catch the bus, wander through the woods, and even go out for walks at night. This continued into adulthood where I began to go on lengthy walks through the hills and mountains, ascending by foot into the clouds through bogs, rivers, and cliffs. When I began my Left Hand Path Initiation, this past-time continued, but with a greater purpose. I clearly feel that walking as I do is an expression of the Self to roam, to face danger, to stretch boundaries, and to feel the physical accumulators pushed to their limits. From these feelings I saw potential for Initiation in something that is natural to my essence, and its need for isolation and expansion.
The realisation of one's separateness and isolation from the natural order presents another angle from which we can view the Self unhindered by falsehoods. By the development of antinomianism in the physical, emotional, and intellectual arenas we can awaken through our rebellion against the sleep of the natural order. Rebellion is a gateway to higher function, as it represents the Self becoming separate from the conformities and expectations of others, and can light the individual spark that later kindles into the Flame of Initiation. I practice personal antinomianism through recognising, refusing and then rejecting the physical habits, tedious social and interpersonal idiosyncrasies, unexamined emotional opinions and needs, and mildewed and cliché ridden thought and speech patterns that are typical of the slumbering masses. I refuse to be the melancholy walking corpse that modern society needs to produce to survive. The Self can act very abruptly in recognising thoughtless behaviour when we take steps towards enhancing our awareness. Awareness is the weapon that allows us to realise the distinction between Self and not-Self, Living and Existing, Being and unBeing, Life and Death. Attempts to catch myself sounding automatic, thoughtless, and unoriginal aid the delivery of more conscious and less automatic Being, and so opens up more opportunities for Self Remembering. Xeper cannot be attained when we are not awake.
Although designing self-relevant exercises with the aim of producing encounters with Self Remembering is of necessity to any Initiate, the ability to remain open to unplanned, improvised encounters with it in everyday life is possibly a more important factor for consideration in one's practices. To do this relies upon us being awake. The strange, unplanned moments during which Self Remembering can occur unlooked for, can be those where we find ourselves becoming Self Aware whilst performing other magical operations such as meditation exercises that concentrate on following the breath, or staring into one's eyes in the mirror. These exercises deliver an acute awareness of the physical body, whilst at the same time sufficiently altering the state of consciousness to become receptive to experiences with the unbound Self. However, Self Remembering can also occur when one's attention suddenly becomes divided during the performance of a mundane task. This has happened to me when 'I' becomes aware of it's separate existence from the false I's, who are unwittingly trapped within a machine of their own manufacturing. The 'I' then acts through the three centres to animate consciousness into Being. This leads to the simultaneous contemplation of Inner States as well as the physical task at hand.
An example of such a wake up call that 'I' delivered recently happened as I was driving home from work after it had been raining. It was warm and stuffy in the car so I opened the window. The sensation of cool droplets of water pouring from the roof onto my arm made me suddenly very aware of my body, at the same time capturing the unconscious, sleeping thoughts within, making me aware of Myself. This experience led me to further contemplate how Self Remembering can potentially be initiated in the most ordinary and mundane tasks of everyday life if the appropriate level of consciousness is sparked through the combined energy of the three centres. The realisation that unintentional, non-magical acts have, through efforts to awaken, the potential to lead to Self Remembering creates magical experiences where they would not usually be expected to be found. Self Remembering is the touch of the permanent I that is always with us, but only briefly reveals itself. Knowledge of the presence of the permanent I increases the chances of the Seeker making steps towards unity with the True Self. These incremental, unpredictable gains towards Unification represent Xeper in action. The effect of Self Remembering upon the human consciousness is akin to the impact of Set upon the Objective Universe. It is an unseen, metaphysical presence that is there to be discovered for those who have the presence of will to search for it, yet it is not without a call of its own a call that those with the correct circumstances and potential can answer.
The methods I have mentioned here for inducing Self Remembering, both the intentional and the accidental, are akin to the search for the Prince of Darkness, and the longing to experience moments of Xeper. I would urge those who yearn to Remember to be inventive in your search, and to always keep your mind awake and your eyes open. My attempts to induce experiences of Self Remembering have been met with varying degrees of success, but whether that great vision of the Self is seen or not, the efforts made towards that vision are a means to growth in themselves. By exercising the body, the emotions, and the intellect through the Will to Remember we help to evolve and motivate our Beings, and by rejecting 'conventional' thought and expression we sculpt the Self into a unique entity of our own creation. By continuously practicing the methods I have outlined here I have grown, Remembered, and Come into Being. By making mindful, inspired explorations of their own, in the wilderness or otherwise, other Initiates will too.
Xeper.