Journey Into Silence...
by Setian Telfer

Although there might be advantages in attending a retreat somewhere to take a Vow of Silence, I was interested in taking my Vow at home, in my usual, everyday environment. Why did I do it? Because I like to challenge myself, and because a vow of silence was of intrigue to me. It started as a dare to myself, but it quickly grew into a valuable Initiatory exercise. My theory was that I would be able to observe my reaction/s to everyday occurrences…to see how I usually function (in real life) and find parts of myself that might otherwise seem hidden to me.

I am not usually one to take on 'small' challenges, so in addition to being silent there was the challenge of being able to change markedly within my own environment – without succumbing to prior programming…that is, to not use speech. To go where I usually go, without compensating for speech through mime, or in scribbling thousands of small notes. Without wanting to please people by engaging in conversation, or by making myself appear knowledgeable to others through what I say. My ego would have to learn to live without these types of reinforcements for nine days.

Now I guess at this point I should explain some of the boundaries that I had set for my period of Silence. Generally, it boiled down to this…no talking, minimal miming (I would be allowed to nod or shake head, or thumbs up/thumbs down), no writing letters, emails etc, in fact little to no writing except for my journal and notes of my observations; no music containing lyrics unless it was Initiatory, no TV. I had been unsure about whether to laugh out loud and similar vocalisations, but thought I would gauge this as I went along. I was still unsure what the week would entail. I had emailed everyone I knew letting them know I was not answering mail, phones, etc, so I wouldn't have to rely heavily on my husband to explain everything to everyone for me. That would hardly be fair ;o)

My ultimate goal for the week was to observe Self. I wanted to experience, even if only briefly, what it is that Self/Psyche is – clean and stripped of its mechanical layering. I thought this Work might provide an avenue to experience an objective glimpse of pure Self. What I discovered was, to me, amazing. Amazing in the sense that it was not at all what I had expected, although at the same time provided more than I could have hoped for. It illustrated that the Journey is as important as the end result. It gave me a golden opportunity to take bearing of my position in Life and what I need to do.

Originally, my Vow was to be opened in the ritual chamber, by opening a Working that would last for the whole nine days – however my husband and I were rocketing through the darkness in a little Holden, on our way home from a ballet concert my younger sister had produced in my home town. I focussed on the road ahead as we sped home through the inky blackness, and my husband clapped his hands nine times to signify the bell tolling and thus the beginning of my Journey into Silence.

It was truly like stepping into another world altogether. Everything at once seemed a little surreal, and Justin went on to carry the conversation a few times, then after hearing no response remembered out loud "Ah, that's right! Could be a long week, hey?" Thus came to me my very first observation: that most speech is very much a reaction. I had almost gone to answer him, without thinking, I even had in mind what I was going to say. I watched myself with amusement as my body would jerk and twitch, and my mouth would begin to open. Already I was in full observation mode. I went to bed that night feeling pleased.

I decided to allow myself miming for the first day or so, but it was not long before I discovered how much energy that was leeching away. I noticed when I was with someone I cared about, and they were really uncomfortable with my silence, that it drained heaps of energy from me. From identifying too much, and compensating with exaggerated facial expressions, body language and gestures. Energy that is probably normally wasted through speech was diverted to being wasted through mime. So I reinforced for myself that I was not to spend the whole time miming. I didn't want to throw the power of my week away with miming and gestures– what was the point in being silent if I spent more energy trying to mime everything? It took the magic out of the exercise. I also decided to be far more aware of my facial expressions, as people were reading these more than usual.

I was beginning to notice a lot of my talking was really unnecessary! How much of it was really important anyway? I was humbled by the realisation that most of my words were idle chatter. In fact, my talking was either to reinforce that I am here, reinforce for someone else that they are here; or to inflate my ego.

I did slip up a few times…my keys fell out of the ignition while I was driving – I swore… …. Immediately, the world seemed all too normal again, and I was disappointed that I had made the mistake. My initial reaction was to tighten the rules and perhaps extend the period. However, I decided not to punish myself, not to dwell on it too much. Why make it harder, and thus with more chance of failure? I was not going to fall into the trap of self-defeat. These thoughts acted to majorly harden my resolve to make this week work, and work well. The sensation passed, and the magic returned. It was like I could perceive things much more clearly than usual, like I could see further in to the Universe.

The second time I slipped up, I was most displeased with myself…how could I forget myself again so easily? Do I forget myself so much all the time? How fickle is my awareness? Well, as I found out earlier, the lesson is to remember myself. That I am a machine that has been programmed to react automatically; and that this programming runs deeper than I would like to admit.

One thing that I did notice more and more as the week went by, was a heightened awareness of Being in my body. A greater appreciation of my body, and enjoyment in it. It was like I had a much clearer sensation of the connection between flesh and Self. I also began to notice that my communication was changing. Words took the form of touch. If someone made me laugh, I would put my hand on their arm. There was also a lot more eye contact, and I really noticed the sensations of touch a lot more.

The funny thing is that it was a lot harder for those around me to adapt to my silence than it was for me to! People seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I would not answer them; despite knowing that I had taken the vow! Some friends used exaggerated hand gestures, and many people spoke more slowly and clearly as if I couldn't hear either. People in stores smiled at me a lot more and were really nice to me – like I was retarded or something! Some spoke more, and spoke faster to compensate for my silence. One lady in a store could not even look me in the face. She spoke faster and faster, looking down at her hands. I could not have answered if I wanted to. Did I really talk that much that there was so much of a vacuum when I stopped?

It would have been fun to just ignore everyone completely and watch how they dealt with it, but on the other hand, these are places that I frequent and I do not like to rely on people being forgiving (for example, my neighbours). As it was, many assumed I had a really bad cold or lost my voice and made all sorts of justifications for me. I was most entertained by people’s reactions - it was great. I also felt more appreciative of the complexity of people, and I did not feel the need to be abrasive, nor to take on anyone else's baggage.

Later on I would find it more difficult to begin talking again than it had been for me to stop talking. I was so conscious of every word I spoke. My voice seemed strange and detached from me. It was different. Who knows what it would have been like if I had been silent for years!

The changes I found occurring in myself were so new to me, or perhaps it was just the new perspective I gained. I was able to watch the whole thing unfold – me, and what I am made up of. In a way, I truly did find mySelf. By discovering what I am not. I found a much deeper appreciation of the Journey I must take to get there, and a profound sense of calm, Motivation, and Direction.

What was the biggest thing I noticed? Well, a couple of things, really. First: that much of my talking is unnecessary, and is directed largely at proving myself to others. It is my personality that does most of the talking. I have noticed this not just within myself, but I saw this characteristic in others too. It is a leaching of energy, which is directed at reinforcing one's importance in the world. Secondly, I experienced a sense of calm and Self-respect that far outweighs anything I had come close to experiencing before. My negative thoughts about myself ceased. My silence served not to 'cease the mental chattering' as such, but to improve the quality of my thoughts. My thoughts were more observational, and more aware; they were less reactionary, and more productive. They used less of my energy resources, as my personality was not busy begging for recognition or approval. Approval from others does not seem so important when I am silent, and a sense of awe of my own Being is set free. This was not something I needed to create, but was something that was always 'there', to be proud of myself, and not just my achievements. Not in an 'airy-fairy' new-age sense (I am not trying to get in touch with my inner dolphin!), but as a deep sense of connection with, and an awe of, Self.

I discovered that I really do enjoy my own company – a lot more, and in a different fashion, than I would have initially guessed. I ended up giggling to myself often, spending time and energy on myself (rather than others), and even buying myself special gifts. A form of insanity? No. Just a revelation. Now I know why monks sometimes have that funny little grin on their face ;-)

At midnight on day Nine of the exercise, I went into the ritual chamber and formally ended the Work. It was far more effective than any other I had done previously, and I was in there for some time. I had wondered for some time before my silence, and indeed all week, which words I would use to end my silence; as my first words would carry much more power than my usual speech. By the time I was to speak I knew what words they were to be. I spoke powerfully: "I Forge Myself Anew!" Although I 'thought' I knew what I would sound like, my words were slow and sounded very alien to me. In fact, it took me by surprise. My ritual concluded with triumphant toasts, and calling upon my ancestors.

I have experienced a high degree of difficulty in writing this article; in translating my experience in written form. Even though I have been able to notice the nature/mechanicalness of my speech, I still have trouble articulating myself in a succinct manner; although I am getting better. If there are any who have questions that have not been addressed here, I would be happy to be contacted privately and will endeavour to answer such questions as best as I can. To sum up, let me use a snippet from my diary entry:

"What a fantastic Nine days. What a productive exercise! What fun, how well I feel about myself, how calm about my direction in life, how resolute about the actions I now wish to take… the world is beginning to turn on my axis – because I am taking notice of how things happen and why, and I am using truths more to my advantage now."

Back to Articles

Email the Pylon Sentinel